HIV

I’m quiet an emotionally grounded person, but I have surprised myself that I have worked my way through my full spectrum of emotions in such a short space of time.

It almost seems an eternity ago that this happened, rather than days. But I think that has got more to do with me coming to terms with it and having a better understanding.

I still haven’t met up with James but I have spoken to him. We have exchanged small talk on the phone and swapped emails and texts. I have said that ‘we need to talk’, but he wants to do this in person. I assume that he thinks that I want to end it and perhaps this is why he has become a bit distant.

He seems upbeat. He has been going out, working and enjoying himself. I know he hurts deep down, but he just has to get on with it. There is no other way.

I’m still confused about the future. If I’m honest, I don’t think that he could deliver on what I wanted from a boyfriend. He is too impulsive and lives far too much for the moment. Ironically, it is this characteristic that probably got him where he is now. “I could die tomorrow”, was his motto. There is nothing wrong with enjoying life, but not when it is to the detriment of your future- like not being able to save for a holiday or going out clubbing all night and being too tired to do something the next day that has been planned in advance. James is unreliable.

I want him in my life and I want to be there for him. But, at the same time, my own self-respect demands that I tell him how he has made me feel. It doesn’t matter that much now to find out whether he cheated on me or whether he had it all along. But I still want to know. I can’t bring myself to say to James that I love him or that I will be there for him until I know the truth; but I do love him and I will be there for him in some form.

I have thought a lot about whether I could have a relationship with someone who is HIV+. I have thought a lot about how I could have sex with them. As it is, it takes a lot for me to relax with someone and enjoy sex. It doesn’t mean that I am not as horny as the next bloke- in fact, I’m probably more so (not that you want to know that!). But it would take a lot of adjusting to be able to relax with someone knowing that there is a risk, however slight that may be if the safest practices are followed.

I’m going to see him at the weekend. I guess his responses and how he feels will define what the future holds.

My own future is not set in stone. I still have to wait to the start of the new year for the ‘all clear’, as I was only tested at 8 weeks since exposure. I’m not really that scared or concerned about it, as II have too much going on at the moment.

It is still hard to get any definitive information about HIV. Some websites say that the life expectancy of someone with HIV is normal. It is no longer a terminal diagnosis, but a diagnosis akin to diabetes or having a mild disability. Having to be treated for cancer would be far worse and many of us can expect to deal with that in our lives; yet some of us still smoke, go on sun beds and eat junk and there is no stigma attached to that. Other websites say that someone in their mid-twenties can expect a life expectancy of 35 years. Nobody knows.

Whatever the reality, it is clear that nearly 30 years since the first diagnosis so little is known about HIV and that research has many decades to go before there is a ‘cure’ or vaccine. And during that time, millions of people will get infected and millions of people will die.

I cried and cried last night. I’m a strong, resilient bloke. I’m masculine and robust, but I broke down. I’m normally so ‘logical’, but I think the emotional confusion meant that crying was the only response. LOL I am a human being after all and not a descendant of the Vulcan race (and please don’t think I am an Anorak Trekkie either).

I’ve looked at so much at all the information on the internet. I have a first class degree and I am actually a Senior Manager in the NHS (I didn’t really want to admit that before). But the complexity of the condition baffles me. It is actually hard to get understandable information with definitive answers.

How long will you live for? What are the side effects? What does the treatment regime entail?

It seems that it is all very personal and specific to the individual. Can James expect to live a normal life expectancy?

I had an email from a friend, Chris, this morning who broke some more concerning news. He had what he thought was mumps a while back, which wasn’t mumps after all. He has been having muscle aches and generally feeling under the weather. He went to hospital last week after his speech become slurred and his face went numb. He had a brain scan yesterday and gets the results tomorrow.

I’m getting paranoid that everyone around me is catching it. I know that Chris has personal issues about being sexual with anyone. In fact, I think that he is pretty much a virgin in that sense. So, I know deep down that he is not at risk of being positive. But my heart just sank lower when I got his email. I hope that he is going to be ok. I couldn’t take 2 diagnosis’s in one week- whether it is 2 cases of HIV or 1 involving a brain tumour or something.

When you are a teenager you feel invincible. Perhaps as age comes I am learning that this is far from the truth and we have to value everything we have and every moment we have.

I must sound like an overly negative person and I am not. I am looking forward to having the best Christmas ever because I know, for once in my life, I wont be taking anything from granted and I will milk life for every opportunity and every bit of happiness that it can provide.

I think that I was coping fairly well until today. The wait for the result was horrid. I expected the result yesterday. I couldn't concentrate at work. At one point I was sitting there shaking.

I went back to the clinic at 4 pm. I was less upbeat. I was trying to think about how I would react to being told and I just couldn't figure out what I would say or what I would do. I couldn't even take deep breaths to relax.

The nurse called me and delivered the result. It was negative. I started to cry; something that I wish that I could have done before.

That's not the end of the matter. I will have to be re-tested in about 5 weeks. However, it is unlikely- but still possible- that I have HIV because the antibodies would have developed by now. They say 3 months, but that is to be certain. Most people develop antibodies earlier. But, I cannot be complacent.

I spoke to James tonight and felt guilty about the way I have behaved. But I knew that I couldn't cope with telling him 'It will be ok' when I was scared about getting the same diagnosis as him.

James was distraught, yet focused on getting on with it. I felt so sorry for him. I wanted to hold him, cuddle him and look after him.

I pressed him on his fidelity. He still claims that he has not been unfaithful. If he is telling the truth, then he had HIV all along. And I have been having unprotected sex with him, yet didn’t catch it. I’m so confused. I want him to admit being unfaithful. But perhaps he wasn’t. Perhaps he is telling the truth. I dunno. He was so upset I could hardly press him too hard.

I tried to reassure him. He has made some important decisions about not telling anyone. I know and so do 2 of his friends. But his housemates, his employer and his family will not find out. At least not yet. I respect that and would have done the same.

Anyway, I am going to see him on Saturday. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I need to make my mind up on how I am feeling, as I just don’t know. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and I'm still stuck on the ride.

I went to the clinic today and I felt old. It was so saddening to see so many young people there. Most were just teenagers. I didn't see anyone older than me. Shocking.

And none of them appeared to be gay. Trust me, I can tell.

It perhaps goes to show that STIs are a bigger problem for young, heterosexuals rather than us gays.

When I went in to see the Consultant and nurse, the nurse said: "Cheer up. It can’t be that bad!” Then I told her. It was that bad.

I had my blood taken and was expecting the result today. I had the last result the same day. But I didn’t see the Counsellor. I suspect that is why they told me to come back tomorrow. If your circumstances look bad, I think that they make you see the Counsellor in case you go and do something stupid.

I have so much admiration for nurses who chose to work in such places. What could motivate you to do that? To give people life changing news on a regular basis? I don’t know. But I am in gratitude to the nurse that I saw. She was so nice.

I have seen two different Consultants there in the past and both seemed to be judgmental. Perhaps it’s just the way Drs are? I dunno. Neither seemed to speak English that well. And it all just seemed so clinical and cold. The nurses I have seen have been warm, comforting and close. The Consultants have seemed uninterested, daunting and distant. Like I was a subject, rather than a human being.

So, I have to wait until tomorrow now. I’ve gone from convincing myself that I don’t have it, to thinking that I do.

Tomorrow I will some indication. But the final ‘all clear’ wont be until the end of December / start of January. But the chances are, if I have it then I will find out tomorrow. At 4 pm.

I felt more upbeat today.

I still haven't spoke to James. Perhaps I am in denial. I am thinking about him, but with a mixture of anger and sympathy. These feelings just seem to conflict. How am I meant to feel?

I have my test tomorrow. I have near enough convinced myself that the probability is that I will be ok. But you just don't know, do you? I am scared deep down. I woke up with a migraine this morning and was worrying throughout my dreams.

The more I have read into HIV, the more I think that James cheated on me. James got ill a few weeks back, which is why he went to hospital for tests. He had flu-like symptoms, diarrhea, he was passing blood and his joints were aching.

These symptoms are consistent with what is called "seroconversion". That is the stage where the body produces antibodies for the HIV virus. Generally, that occurs 2 - 4 weeks after contracting the virus.

If James had HIV when I met him then it wouldn't have taken so long to seroconvert (is that a word?). Alternatively, these symptoms could just be a coincidence.

I guess I want some answers from him, but I am not up to talking to him. I guess the tone and approach will very much depend on the outcome of tomorrow. Either way, I know that I cannot have a relationship with him. But I also cannot be a friend to him and support him unless he is honest with me.

I've started this blog because I have no one to talk to about this and I want to 'dump' my thoughts somewhere. It might make me feel better, but I doubt it.

Anyway, I’m Jake. I’m 27 and live in Manchester- but I’m originally from London and I will be back there soon. In January, in fact. And I’m gay.

I have been seeing James for about 7 months. He is beautiful, slim and tall with blond hair and blue eyes. He is a flamboyant character, who overtly loves life and enjoying himself. Perhaps too much. He lives for the moment. Deep down he is a very delicate, precious little flower. If he is in a room, or on a tube, then everyone will know that he is there. He is loud and likes to get noticed. Although he wont admit it, he clearly isn’t as confident in his self as he pretends to be making his whole exterior a coping mechanism for that.

On Thursday, James told me that he has just been diagnosed as being HIV positive. I don't know how, but I think that I knew that he had it. When he told me that he wanted to see me in person and couldn't talk about it on the phone, I knew. He was crying down the phone and finally admitted it when I pressed him.

When I first met James I asked him if he had HIV and if he had been recently tested. He assured me that, 'no' he did not have HIV and 'yes', he had been recently tested. On that basis, I was foolish enough to have an unprotected sexual relationship with him. It turns out that James had lied. He hadn’t had a HIV test for 6 months before meeting me.

I guess that people will judge me for that. I guess some people will condemn me. And I guess that others will I think that if I have contracted HIV, that I have got what I deserved.

I am not that promiscuous like some gay men. And I am not promiscuous like some married men who have a wife and kids, yet disgustingly visit Hampstead Heath and then go back home to wifey. I left one long term relationship, then entered into a monogamous one.

When James told me I felt like I had been stabbed with a sword. A painful stab of white heat cut through my heart and shattered my world. A weight containing my arduous feelings suddenly glued itself on my shoulders and compressed my inner soul.

How should I feel? Angry. Sad. Scared…. These conflicting feelings started to consume me and drain my energy. All I knew was at that point, I couldn’t console James nor support him. To hear him cry or to listen to his fears would be a reminder to me of what I could be facing.

Ironically, I had emailed James that day to tell him that I had never needed him more. I had recently come out of a long term relationship when I met James, whereby I had owned a house with my ex. That house was now sold and I was returning to London, having been living in Manchester for a few years. They say that selling your house, moving areas and starting a new job are the most stressful things that can happen to you in life. And I was doing them all at once! And I had the added stress that I didn’t know where I was going to live when I got back to London. I actually told James that I was a bit scared about the future and that I needed James to be there for me. All I wanted was his sweet smile and his company to console me. And the same day, I had this land on me.

I started to panic and tried to research things to put the risk into perspective. I have had HIV tests in both June and in October this year. Both were negative. And I didn’t have any STIs. I never have had any.

I also had a look at the how risky it was to catch HIV. Apparently, it is extremely hard to catch. Working in the drugs field, I knew that if you got pricked with a needle containing HIV that there was a 1 in 300 chance of getting infected. Whereas, if it contained Hepatitis that the chance was 1 in 3.

I did some research. The problem with statistics is that they can be taken out of context. And stats on HIV transmission can encourage risky behaviour through creating a false sense of security. That’s why, I assume, that stats around risk are hard to find. Millions of people have HIV. Any form of unprotected anal sex has unnecessary risk.

I come across similar stats again and again. There is a 1 in 50 chance of contracting HIV if you are the receptive partner (the bottom) from a HIV+ partner. Whereas, there is a 1 in 500 chance the other way round. I’m a top. I don’t take it.

My last test was on the 18th October. I haven’t really had much anal with James over the last few months. I never really liked taking it and he wanted to give it to me, but I didn’t want it. So he kinda become less willing to take it himself. Perhaps that might have saved me?

They say that the window period for HIV testing is 3 months. Very rarely, that can be up to 6 months. These stats seem to be the freely available. But some further research shows that HIV is detectable (or, at least, the antibodies are) in most people in around 22 – 25 days. By my reckoning, my test on the 18th October would have been borderline to that period since my last possible exposure in September.

One side of me is saying that the stats are on my side. If I had HIV, it would have shown at my last test. The more grounded side of me is saying that I should wait until Monday for my test. And, even then, I wont know for sure until a further test at the start of the new year, when the window period would have lapsed.

Whilst I cannot think about anything else, I am trying to find some comfort in the fact that it is unlikely that I have it, although it is possible that I do.

There are so many questions in my mind.

What do I do if I have it? I know that I would never tell anyone. I don’t want their sympathy or their shame. And I just couldn’t burden my family with this. The guilt would outweigh any support that they could give me.

Is life worth living? I guess it would be. Not many people actually develop AIDS these days, but I will have a strict regime of pills to pop and the associated side effects. Is killing myself the answer? I don’t think that I am quiet at the suicidal stage yet. I laugh at that, but it’s not really funny.

What shall I do about James? I know that I cannot carry on in a relationship with him. He lied to me about his last test and that hurt me. If he hadn’t lied anyhow, then I don’t know if I would have a relationship with a HIV+ boyfriend anyway. That’s a real moral dilemma. I have been so scared by all of this that I don’t think that I could cope with the constant threat of contracting the virus, as no sex is 100% safe. Am I discriminating here? Am I being unreasonable? I am starting to feel guilty.

I also feel guilty that I cannot follow my instincts and comfort James at this time. I hope he understands that if I endure anymore stress or worry I will simply ‘snap’. LOL I don’t mean violently, but I can see myself becoming ill. Perhaps I have let him down. But how can I comfort him when I want someone to do that to me right now? And I have no one. I couldn’t share this with a friend. And, in truth, since I split with my ex I don’t have any friends here in Manchester, as all my social circle were his friends. I feel so isolated.

I have just got to wait until 14.45 on Monday for my test. I will have the results within 60 minutes of walking through the door. That’s near enough exactly 48 hours from now.

I just need to watch the clock and wait.

The results on Monday wont be definitive. But I know I reckon it’s roughly 8 weeks since the last time I had unprotected anal sex (although we have done other stuff), so there is a high chance that it will show up if I have it. If it’s ok on Monday, then I should be ok.

But whatever the outcome, this will be a defining experience in my life. I have lost my boyfriend… someone I love and saw as being part of my future. And I know that I need to learn lessons. And I fear, perhaps, that I may have trouble trusting people in the future.

I just wish I could cry and let all of this out. But my eyes are drier than a desert, my heart is smashed into a thousand pieces and my shoulders are starting to creak under the weight that has been placed on them.