I felt more upbeat today.
I still haven't spoke to James. Perhaps I am in denial. I am thinking about him, but with a mixture of anger and sympathy. These feelings just seem to conflict. How am I meant to feel?
I have my test tomorrow. I have near enough convinced myself that the probability is that I will be ok. But you just don't know, do you? I am scared deep down. I woke up with a migraine this morning and was worrying throughout my dreams.
The more I have read into HIV, the more I think that James cheated on me. James got ill a few weeks back, which is why he went to hospital for tests. He had flu-like symptoms, diarrhea, he was passing blood and his joints were aching.
These symptoms are consistent with what is called "seroconversion". That is the stage where the body produces antibodies for the HIV virus. Generally, that occurs 2 - 4 weeks after contracting the virus.
If James had HIV when I met him then it wouldn't have taken so long to seroconvert (is that a word?). Alternatively, these symptoms could just be a coincidence.
I guess I want some answers from him, but I am not up to talking to him. I guess the tone and approach will very much depend on the outcome of tomorrow. Either way, I know that I cannot have a relationship with him. But I also cannot be a friend to him and support him unless he is honest with me.