I think that I was coping fairly well until today. The wait for the result was horrid. I expected the result yesterday. I couldn't concentrate at work. At one point I was sitting there shaking.
I went back to the clinic at 4 pm. I was less upbeat. I was trying to think about how I would react to being told and I just couldn't figure out what I would say or what I would do. I couldn't even take deep breaths to relax.
The nurse called me and delivered the result. It was negative. I started to cry; something that I wish that I could have done before.
That's not the end of the matter. I will have to be re-tested in about 5 weeks. However, it is unlikely- but still possible- that I have HIV because the antibodies would have developed by now. They say 3 months, but that is to be certain. Most people develop antibodies earlier. But, I cannot be complacent.
I spoke to James tonight and felt guilty about the way I have behaved. But I knew that I couldn't cope with telling him 'It will be ok' when I was scared about getting the same diagnosis as him.
James was distraught, yet focused on getting on with it. I felt so sorry for him. I wanted to hold him, cuddle him and look after him.
I pressed him on his fidelity. He still claims that he has not been unfaithful. If he is telling the truth, then he had HIV all along. And I have been having unprotected sex with him, yet didn’t catch it. I’m so confused. I want him to admit being unfaithful. But perhaps he wasn’t. Perhaps he is telling the truth. I dunno. He was so upset I could hardly press him too hard.
I tried to reassure him. He has made some important decisions about not telling anyone. I know and so do 2 of his friends. But his housemates, his employer and his family will not find out. At least not yet. I respect that and would have done the same.
Anyway, I am going to see him on Saturday. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I need to make my mind up on how I am feeling, as I just don’t know. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and I'm still stuck on the ride.