I’m quiet an emotionally grounded person, but I have surprised myself that I have worked my way through my full spectrum of emotions in such a short space of time.

It almost seems an eternity ago that this happened, rather than days. But I think that has got more to do with me coming to terms with it and having a better understanding.

I still haven’t met up with James but I have spoken to him. We have exchanged small talk on the phone and swapped emails and texts. I have said that ‘we need to talk’, but he wants to do this in person. I assume that he thinks that I want to end it and perhaps this is why he has become a bit distant.

He seems upbeat. He has been going out, working and enjoying himself. I know he hurts deep down, but he just has to get on with it. There is no other way.

I’m still confused about the future. If I’m honest, I don’t think that he could deliver on what I wanted from a boyfriend. He is too impulsive and lives far too much for the moment. Ironically, it is this characteristic that probably got him where he is now. “I could die tomorrow”, was his motto. There is nothing wrong with enjoying life, but not when it is to the detriment of your future- like not being able to save for a holiday or going out clubbing all night and being too tired to do something the next day that has been planned in advance. James is unreliable.

I want him in my life and I want to be there for him. But, at the same time, my own self-respect demands that I tell him how he has made me feel. It doesn’t matter that much now to find out whether he cheated on me or whether he had it all along. But I still want to know. I can’t bring myself to say to James that I love him or that I will be there for him until I know the truth; but I do love him and I will be there for him in some form.

I have thought a lot about whether I could have a relationship with someone who is HIV+. I have thought a lot about how I could have sex with them. As it is, it takes a lot for me to relax with someone and enjoy sex. It doesn’t mean that I am not as horny as the next bloke- in fact, I’m probably more so (not that you want to know that!). But it would take a lot of adjusting to be able to relax with someone knowing that there is a risk, however slight that may be if the safest practices are followed.

I’m going to see him at the weekend. I guess his responses and how he feels will define what the future holds.

My own future is not set in stone. I still have to wait to the start of the new year for the ‘all clear’, as I was only tested at 8 weeks since exposure. I’m not really that scared or concerned about it, as II have too much going on at the moment.

It is still hard to get any definitive information about HIV. Some websites say that the life expectancy of someone with HIV is normal. It is no longer a terminal diagnosis, but a diagnosis akin to diabetes or having a mild disability. Having to be treated for cancer would be far worse and many of us can expect to deal with that in our lives; yet some of us still smoke, go on sun beds and eat junk and there is no stigma attached to that. Other websites say that someone in their mid-twenties can expect a life expectancy of 35 years. Nobody knows.

Whatever the reality, it is clear that nearly 30 years since the first diagnosis so little is known about HIV and that research has many decades to go before there is a ‘cure’ or vaccine. And during that time, millions of people will get infected and millions of people will die.