I thought that I would come back and re-visit my blog, as a year has now passed.
It feels so surreal reading it- it doesn’t seem like it’s my own. I had a lump in my throat throughout, as if I was sympathising with someone else. But I wasn’t. It was me and I very rarely feel sorry for myself. In fact, I am so incredibly lucky in many ways.
I still love James. He has such a vibrant persona, a soft and delicate smile and a gentle touch. Yet that contrasted so furiously with his childlike self-indulgence, his insatiable yet sporadic hedonism and his extravagantly crass personality. It produced such a devilishly decadent allure. *sigh* He’s an enigma that everyone immediately understands, but nobody really does. But he’s a ray of light that everyone warms to and he glows so bright and strong that nothing could ever put him out.
James and I could never really work out how to be friends. I think it’s because we still have feelings for each other. We went for dinner after I came back to London and following a few glasses of wine we ended up kissing. I was trying not to cry as we were embracing because I was just couldn’t understand my contradictory feelings. Jeez, that’s something a woman would say LOL.
I tried to explain that I wanted some continuity with him. To be able to have him in my life for a few months so that we could build up the trust again. If I’m honest, I would have had him back as a boy friend if I could have trusted him. But James just isn’t capable of that.
We send Facebook messages and texts, but we never seem to arrange to meet up that frequently. My last message to him joked that if our next planned meet doesn’t happen then I would give up. It was perfectly polite and jestful, but the message was clear. He didn’t get back to me. He will reappear in my life in a few months I am sure. And I will just have to accept him for what he is: a beautiful stray cat that will be back when he wants some food and attention, who will then disappear on his next adventure to find new people to wow and dazzle. I have to accept that what makes him so great are the characteristics that let him down so badly.
I’ve come a long, long way over the last year and I have learnt so much. But perhaps now isn’t the right moment to reflect on that; maybe in a few days time.